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1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
16. BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!
17. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
18. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
19. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
20 I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
21. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
22. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me
23. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
24. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
25. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.
26. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
27. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
28. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
29. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
30. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
31. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
32. Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it!
33. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
34. Procrastinate Now!
35. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
36. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
37. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
38. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
39. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
40. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
41. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
42. Ham and eggs… A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
43. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
44. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
45. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.